NaNoWriMo Day 19 (Morning)

Word Count: 22,023 (as of Day 18)

So I've been neglecting you all and I'm sorry! This has been an exciting journey thus far. I have had a bit of a stumbling start, but I have surpassed last years' attempt by leaps and bounds. I have had an immense amount of support and it helps to keep me positive. I get to discuss this journey with my boyfriend and he listens intently and is eager to help me stay motivated and inspired; I am truly lucky. I am working on my craft and getting better with every key stroke.

Last night was a great session with fellow Wrimos Jaime & Kathy! Along with the support received from home, it is great to be able to surround myself with people intent on the same goal. There flying fingers are additional motivation to keep my moving! I also discovered a cool new program from Kathy that helps keep ones' focus and makes cool typewriter noises!

My brother and nephew are scheduled to arrive this weekend. With all the excitement I will have to somehow manage to remain focused! After today there are only 11 days of NaNoWriMo remaining! I need to go into hyper speed!

Let the noveling begin!

I know it's been quite some time since I last wrote, and a lot has changed since my last post, and now I'm back. Last year some of you were aware that I had taken on the challenge of participating in NaNoWriMo. It is a non-profit that encourages creativity and literary abandonment by asking its participants to write a 50,000 word novel in a month's time. I, sadly, did not complete the challenge.

This year I am now in a different place, have an incredible source of support, and am determined to see it through to the end. I'm also excited to say that I have a local friend and an out-of-town friend that are also up for the challenge which will help make things more exciting and help to hold me more accountable! I encourage any one else out there who's up for the challenge to join in on the fun. You can write about anything from squirrels plotting to take over the neighborhood to a young boy's quest to be the best ping pong player in the world; so long as you reach 50,000 words! There will be organized writing sessions with other NaNoWriMos in the area to help keep the excitement alive and allow for some healthy competition.

I'll be here in between classes, work, homework, and NaNo-ing to keep you posted on my progress.

Midnight Musing

In my dullest moment of the day I find myself daydreaming about the moment I can crawl under the covers and silence the world so that I can get some rest and rejuvenate to face another, hopefully more eventful, day. Last night, the end of my day had arrived and I climbed into bed ready to succumb to the aches and pains that had been yelling at me all day to take a break; but just as it is almost every night, my mind decides its going to continue racing along at a million miles a minute. Earlier that evening I had a chat session with a friend and we spoke about how unfortunate it can be sometimes to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm not so much a cynic, but a realist and I know there is no such thing as a bullshit detector, but there are just some people out there that can't be trusted. By no means am I also saying I'm a saint, but I make the best effort to live my life with concern for others and not do or say anything malicious. As I lied in bed my mind began to think about those who choose to make a conscious effort to live a good life for themselves in hopes of putting some good out into the world and those who don't. I believe we all have ultimate versions of ourselves, and, if we put in the time, we all have the potential to become our true selves. So, as much as I wanted to take a break from reality and drift off to dreamland, my mind was jumping around in my head like a kid in a bounce house and shouting at the top of its synapses, eager to get these thoughts out. Most of my ideas and theories come to me in the middle of the night. As a result, I have resorted to keeping some kind of recording instrument near my bed at all times. I knew that I had to appease my mind and write my thoughts out if I was going to get anywhere near entering dreamland. I reached for my phone and began to type:

I think we all tend to question what it is our purpose should be; whether or not we do anything to try and find the answer is a different story. For those of us who do make the attempt, it becomes that point in our lives when we begin the process of soul-searching or self-evaluation or whatever you want to call it. I believe this process does not involve becoming a "new and improved version" of ourselves, but involves peeling back the layers and getting closer to the ultimate version of ourselves. I think by looking at it this way we are not conforming to what others in our lives or society as a whole tells us we should be; but are evolving into who it is we're meant to be. Going back to the conversation I had, I don't think it is always necessary to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think that those people who do not deserve the benefit are the ones who are content with just conforming to societal expectations and don't ever make a true effort to evolve. They spend their time being inauthentic and manipulative in hopes of satisfying their own selfish desires. As much as I love to think selfish/mean people can learn from the error of their ways...I've come to accept that I cannot always help those types of people who happen to enter my life; especially if they don't want it. I can, however, exercise my right to make sure they exit my life so I don't have to put up with them.

Maybe these ideas come to me because once I put myself in bed, I finally allow myself to truly rest; in turn, allowing the more poignant ideas to rise to the surface. Imagine that we all have these internal tanks where our thoughts and expressions can swim around freely. These tanks are permeable and we can choose to share our thoughts and feelings with the world or keep them nicely tucked away for ourselves alone to enjoy when we need a pick me up. This also allows a place for us to store all the treasures that others give to us. From something as strong as someone telling you they love you and/or they really value having you in their life to something minute like someone thanking you for being able to give them a lift somewhere. We can always pull from this reservoir whenever we need a "pick-me-up". Although, because these tanks are permeable, they are not impervious to negativity. These tanks are open to the public and we must beware those people who take pleasure in polluting others tanks. Throughout the day we can come across many who attempt to toss their bullshit in our tanks. The bullshit tends to float on top and if we end up with too much in our tanks in can lead to the drowning of our treasures and ideas. At the end of the day, we must take the time to relax and clean out our tanks to make room for all our treasures received and good ideas to be had. Thus, my theory is that my ideas come at night because my time to unwind involves skimming the surface and raking away all the crap that can drown out the goodness. It needs to be done on a regular basis or a person can really get weighed down. Then at some point, the crap out numbers the goodness and can lead a person to give up on shoveling out all that shit because it seems like such an impossible task. Please people, every night, be sure to clean out your tanks!

Feeding Insanity to Nurture Sanity

Ever notice how some people have this insane level of unwarranted paranoia? They believe people are out to create havoc in their lives. I have a theory that these types of people thrive on drama and turmoil because it makes them feel needed or acknowledged in some way. Ironically, this erratic way of thinking provides a sense of normalcy for them because they don't know how to function without chaos in their life.

I have a person in my world, with whom interaction is unavoidable, who seems to constantly want to throw me under the bus for no justifiable reason. [Side note: Fortunately, it has been approximately three weeks since the last attempt to sacrifice me] It would appear, in this person's mind, I have this evil plan all mapped out to ultimately over throw them in order to take their imaginary "crown and glory." I can't help but want to inconspicuously do something to feed the disorder so that it can be validated. Would that be a terrible thing to do? Or, would I be helping an insane person get one step closer to sanity by substantiating their delusions?

Some Assembly Required

Growing up in a low-middle class family I learned the value of hard work and knowing that you don't have to have the newest, top-of-the-line product or fancy clothes to be a great person. I still agree with that philosophy when it comes to most tangible things. However, I feel that philosophy has invaded the rest of my life. I'm not saying the "less is more" concept needs to be entirely omitted from my way of living, but its proven to hinder my progression if I make all my life choices based on those guidelines. I know this is not a foreign subject and I am not the first to reach this conclusion for herself, but it's something I constantly struggle with in my personal life; and, since this is a blog about my life...I'm putting it in print!

For someone who has this mentality so ingrained in their person, its hard to recognize the moments you should hold out for the "no assembly required" option versus "all parts sold separately and its up to you to find them and invest an undetermined amount of time putting it all together" option. I don't know if its a derivation of social class or gender or ethnicity or a combination of it all, but I can't seem to resist the opportunity to look beyond all the work required to get the desired end result. There's a part of me that knows I can have all I want if I put in the time and effort because I know that once its complete it will be the best fit. I also think once my heart is set on that path I can't resist seeing it through because there's a part of me that knows the value in putting in that work. But at what point do I say, "Screw the work! I've put in plenty of work over the years! I might be able to find something fully operational, straight out of the box in half the time!" It's a dilemma I feel I am faced with every day...evident in some of the smallest decisions like; do I make or buy my lunch today? As well as some of the biggest decisions like how do I behave within the context of (work/personal) relationships. Today, do I choose to be apathetic or proactive? The more I think about it, the more I conclude that all I really can do is stay positive.

Right now I am making many of my choices based on what makes me happy; whether that be choosing to put in the work or not, I am making an effort to take things day by day. It appears that my less-is-more philosophy will always remain a part of who I am. If I sit and analyze every decision I am faced with, I will never make a decision. I am by no means perfect and am okay with that. When things are imperfect, you know they're real. I don't think that a person can ever fully attain a literal sense of perfection; but I do know that I can reach a point where I can embrace my imperfections, and to me, that is the epitome of perfection. So with that I proudly say, "Some assembly definitely required here!"

The First Slice

I love MTV’s new show "My Life as Liz" I see a huge part of me in her. I like that she goes against the grain, not because it’s the cool thing to do, but because she genuinely has a philosophy that doesn’t include excluding people just because they aren’t exactly like her. She also has no problem letting the naysayers know exactly what she thinks of their close-mindedness. Through the series the viewer gets to see how she handles being different in a small town that expects her to be like everyone else. She’s an independent girl who can hold her own with the guys. Yet, in the midst of her battling her microcosmic society's expectations and hanging with the guys, she is faced with her femininity creeping up on her. With the help of The Force, she fights the fight to not let this town or its people get the best of her...but much to her surprise, one boy threw her concentration all out of whack.

Ironically, to some extent, I feel like my life is paralleling what she is currently experiencing at 10 years her senior. I'm still having trouble navigating the mind of opposite sex. Understandably guys are no where near ready to be in a mature monogamous relationship at 17; and even though by 27 their voice has gotten deeper, they have shed the baby fat and put on some muscle, they have had their share of female interaction, it seems to be that they are not any closer to being ready then they were at 17. There’s also an equivalent of a "Cori Cooper" in this world o’mine who seems to have nothing better to do but think of ways to destroy me. It’s pretty eerie. This leaves me to ponder why it is I am seeing all these parallelisms of my life in a show about a teenager. Hmm...What does this say about her or me or societal expectations or human interaction/instinct?

I am feeling as though I am having some sort of quarter-life crisis. I am questioning my career choice, my ability to make certain decisions, my sources of motivation and passion. You may not care to hear anything I have to share, but a fire was lit as I watched this show tonight and I'm going to say anything and everything I want to share through this outlet.

Right about now you may be questioning how it is I got from a tv show about a teenage girl to wanting to seek out the answers to my life. A part of me is rooting for Liz to find out, in less time then I did, all the things it took me ten years to conclude. The other part is rooting for myself to get to a point of utter contentment with who I am and find the answers to the few avenues of my life that I'm still unsure about. If you don't believe in yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

Those of you who know me know I would not consider myself a religious person. I do not have an affiliation with any particular denomination, but I do consider myself a spiritual person. I believe that when we are in times of true need, be it emotionally, socially, financially, or what have you, that The Force doesn't magically give us what it is we need, but presents the opportunity for us to fulfill that need. Its up to us to seize it. In moments of clarity, no matter how odd the timing or the avenue in which they present themselves may seem, it is up to us to recognize and pull what it is we need from these moments. Thus, tonight, watching "My Life as Liz" made me want to formulate into words what it is that I am feeling in hopes of better understanding the irony, the joys, and the disappointments in my life. In turn, maybe a little slice of me can serve as a positive catalyst, whether minute or monumental, for someone else. So please, if you can use it, take A Slice of Crys.